You know who I hate? Jehovah's witnesses. They come in second only to
the Mormons and Catholics (who are tied in first) for stupid Christian
bullshit ass beliefs. But as much as I hate th JW's, I at least gotta
give them props for not celebrating birthdays and Holidays, especially
this most idiotic of celebrations.
How does Jesus rising from the dead tie in to a big retarded rabbit
running around and shitting colorful eggs in hidden places? As a
responsible investigative Journalist I vowed to find out.
My first stop led me to a local minister who refused to let me put his
name in print. I cornered him outside the Point Liquor store last night
in order to get this interview, so appreciate it you ungrateful
bastards.
ME: Father *****, Father ****! Where's that ten bucks you owe me?
HIM: In the name of the father, the son and the holy ghost, you are blessed, my son.
Me: Shut the fuck up and give me my fucking money.
HIM: I can't. I've got to get a bus to Denver so I can smoke some semi legal pot.
ME: Okay, at least give me one of your steel reserves.
Him: Done and done.
ME: Come on you piece of shit, I'll walk you to the bus station. So, you're
going to miss easter, you'll be on a bus all day. Aren't you going to
miss church?
HIM: I don't believe in Easter. It's the Devil's
holiday. I'd rather eat my own mothers rotted feces than pray to the
devil man.
ME: What in the fucking hell are you babbling about?
HIM: My mother, she's dead see, so her feces is probably rotted.
ME: No, you moronic fuck, why is Easter a devil holiday?
HIM: The name Easter comes from a pagan figure called Eastre (or Eostre) who
was celebrated as the goddess of spring by the Saxons of Northern
Europe. A festival called Eastre was held during the Spring equinox by
these people to honor her. (BURP!) When second century Christian
missionaries wanted the Saxons to accept Christianity, they decided to
use the name Easter for this holiday so that it would match the name of
the old Spring celebration. This made it more comfortable for those
converts to accept Christianity and still retain some of their
heritage. Give me a drink off of your beer. The goddess Eastres'
earthly symbol was the rabbit, which was also known as a symbol of
fertility. Get it, she liked to fuck? Originally, there were some very
pagan (and sometimes utterly evil) practices that went along with the
celebration. In our day, Easter is almost a completely commercialized
holiday, with all the focus on Easter eggs, the Easter bunny, and all
that happy crappy.
ME: Wow, that was pretty succinct for an old drunk fuck up like yourself.
HIM: God works in mysterious ways.
Me: So what were the very pagan and evil practices that you were talking about?
HIM: Sorry, you curious little sheep. You'll have to ask someone else for that.
ME: Thanks for nothing.
Apparently, my search had just begun. I contacted Mayor Ray Baker,
seeing as how he's a teacher and all. He was exiting his bejeweled limo
outside of his Southside Mansion.
ME: Mayor! Mister Baker? Can I ask you a few questions?
HIM: It's not a good old boy system! Where is my crown?
ME: No, your majesty. I just wanted to ask you about Easter.
HIM: She killed herself and buried herself in the woods!
ME: What?
HIM: ....oh, nothing.
ME: What are the origins of Easter?
HIM: Long before Easter became the holiday it is today, the spring festival
was celebrated by the people around the world. Although associated with
the sun and the Vernal Equinox, the celebration was originally based on
the lunar calendar. The name Easter is derived from the Saxon Eostre
(which is synonymous with the name of the Phoenician Goddess of the
Moon, Astarte), a Germanic goddess of spring and the deity who measured
time.
ME: Really? Thats what some old drunk told me.
HIM:Shut up and let me finish. Curiously, a Jewish festival, Purim, also
celebrated in the spring, has as it central character and heroine,
Esther who, as queen, kept the evil Haman from killing her people. Even
the very word moon derives from the Sanskrit mas or ma, meaning "to
measure."
Many scholars have suggested that the reason that the
moon was chosen by the ancients as the way to measure time was the link
between the female cycle and the cycle of the moon. A lunar month of 28
days gave 13 periods in 364 days, which was the solar equivalent of 52
weeks. The ancient Hebrews had long followed a lunar calendar, as had
most other ancient cultures. Thus humans could match their natural
lives with the nature of the night sky above them.
As Christianity grew and spread throughout the world, it was common
practice to adopt, modify, convert or take over existing non-Christian
festivals, sacred locations and even names, and assimilate them into
the Christian theology. The Romans used this method of cultural
absorption for centuries as a way of expanding and firming up the
Empire. Given the fact that Christianity had its roots in Roman ways,
it is not surprising that the same technique was used to spread belief
in Christ.
ME: Because Christians are faggots?
HIM: Right. The best example of this was in ancient Britain where the
bearers of the Cross built their churches and monasteries on the very
sites where far more ancient rites had been held.
Because Eostre, also know as Ostara, was the goddess of spring and her
symbolism dealt with renewal and rebirth, the Christian belief in the
resurrection of Christ fit well with these themes.
The connection between Christ's Resurrection and Jewish Passover, which, in
addition to the dramatic story of the flight from Egypt, also contains
elements of a spring celebration, made the merging of the two religious
traditions easily accomplished. But don't tell anyone I told you that.
ME: Oh, I wont, Mayor Ray Baker.
I didn't tell him I had my fingers crossed. Fuck Easter.
Timm Tayshun.
the Mormons and Catholics (who are tied in first) for stupid Christian
bullshit ass beliefs. But as much as I hate th JW's, I at least gotta
give them props for not celebrating birthdays and Holidays, especially
this most idiotic of celebrations.
How does Jesus rising from the dead tie in to a big retarded rabbit
running around and shitting colorful eggs in hidden places? As a
responsible investigative Journalist I vowed to find out.
My first stop led me to a local minister who refused to let me put his
name in print. I cornered him outside the Point Liquor store last night
in order to get this interview, so appreciate it you ungrateful
bastards.
ME: Father *****, Father ****! Where's that ten bucks you owe me?
HIM: In the name of the father, the son and the holy ghost, you are blessed, my son.
Me: Shut the fuck up and give me my fucking money.
HIM: I can't. I've got to get a bus to Denver so I can smoke some semi legal pot.
ME: Okay, at least give me one of your steel reserves.
Him: Done and done.
ME: Come on you piece of shit, I'll walk you to the bus station. So, you're
going to miss easter, you'll be on a bus all day. Aren't you going to
miss church?
HIM: I don't believe in Easter. It's the Devil's
holiday. I'd rather eat my own mothers rotted feces than pray to the
devil man.
ME: What in the fucking hell are you babbling about?
HIM: My mother, she's dead see, so her feces is probably rotted.
ME: No, you moronic fuck, why is Easter a devil holiday?
HIM: The name Easter comes from a pagan figure called Eastre (or Eostre) who
was celebrated as the goddess of spring by the Saxons of Northern
Europe. A festival called Eastre was held during the Spring equinox by
these people to honor her. (BURP!) When second century Christian
missionaries wanted the Saxons to accept Christianity, they decided to
use the name Easter for this holiday so that it would match the name of
the old Spring celebration. This made it more comfortable for those
converts to accept Christianity and still retain some of their
heritage. Give me a drink off of your beer. The goddess Eastres'
earthly symbol was the rabbit, which was also known as a symbol of
fertility. Get it, she liked to fuck? Originally, there were some very
pagan (and sometimes utterly evil) practices that went along with the
celebration. In our day, Easter is almost a completely commercialized
holiday, with all the focus on Easter eggs, the Easter bunny, and all
that happy crappy.
ME: Wow, that was pretty succinct for an old drunk fuck up like yourself.
HIM: God works in mysterious ways.
Me: So what were the very pagan and evil practices that you were talking about?
HIM: Sorry, you curious little sheep. You'll have to ask someone else for that.
ME: Thanks for nothing.
Apparently, my search had just begun. I contacted Mayor Ray Baker,
seeing as how he's a teacher and all. He was exiting his bejeweled limo
outside of his Southside Mansion.
ME: Mayor! Mister Baker? Can I ask you a few questions?
HIM: It's not a good old boy system! Where is my crown?
ME: No, your majesty. I just wanted to ask you about Easter.
HIM: She killed herself and buried herself in the woods!
ME: What?
HIM: ....oh, nothing.
ME: What are the origins of Easter?
HIM: Long before Easter became the holiday it is today, the spring festival
was celebrated by the people around the world. Although associated with
the sun and the Vernal Equinox, the celebration was originally based on
the lunar calendar. The name Easter is derived from the Saxon Eostre
(which is synonymous with the name of the Phoenician Goddess of the
Moon, Astarte), a Germanic goddess of spring and the deity who measured
time.
ME: Really? Thats what some old drunk told me.
HIM:Shut up and let me finish. Curiously, a Jewish festival, Purim, also
celebrated in the spring, has as it central character and heroine,
Esther who, as queen, kept the evil Haman from killing her people. Even
the very word moon derives from the Sanskrit mas or ma, meaning "to
measure."
Many scholars have suggested that the reason that the
moon was chosen by the ancients as the way to measure time was the link
between the female cycle and the cycle of the moon. A lunar month of 28
days gave 13 periods in 364 days, which was the solar equivalent of 52
weeks. The ancient Hebrews had long followed a lunar calendar, as had
most other ancient cultures. Thus humans could match their natural
lives with the nature of the night sky above them.
As Christianity grew and spread throughout the world, it was common
practice to adopt, modify, convert or take over existing non-Christian
festivals, sacred locations and even names, and assimilate them into
the Christian theology. The Romans used this method of cultural
absorption for centuries as a way of expanding and firming up the
Empire. Given the fact that Christianity had its roots in Roman ways,
it is not surprising that the same technique was used to spread belief
in Christ.
ME: Because Christians are faggots?
HIM: Right. The best example of this was in ancient Britain where the
bearers of the Cross built their churches and monasteries on the very
sites where far more ancient rites had been held.
Because Eostre, also know as Ostara, was the goddess of spring and her
symbolism dealt with renewal and rebirth, the Christian belief in the
resurrection of Christ fit well with these themes.
The connection between Christ's Resurrection and Jewish Passover, which, in
addition to the dramatic story of the flight from Egypt, also contains
elements of a spring celebration, made the merging of the two religious
traditions easily accomplished. But don't tell anyone I told you that.
ME: Oh, I wont, Mayor Ray Baker.
I didn't tell him I had my fingers crossed. Fuck Easter.
Timm Tayshun.
